The Monologue from Tamar

The Monologue from Tamar

written by Griff Martin

delivered by Alonda Montgomery

December 3, 2017

Sometimes you do what you have to do…. Even when what you have to do breaks all the rules, it bends every moral you hold dear and it seems repulsive at best. But you do what you have to do.

Things started off, well, good for me. I grew up in a close family with a mother who adored me and a dad who lit up when I walked into the room. I had a good heritage and expected to have a family just like the one I grew up in, sure I would not be marrying the man of my dreams but I fully expected to find someone to build a family with, this was what I knew- maybe not romantic love, but a partnership… So when Judah approached my dad about his oldest son marrying me, I thought this was it. 

But Er, he was a wicked man…. We don’t need to go into details, but he was not good. I was not sad when he died, not sad at all…. but I was scared- I was fearful of my future. 

I knew what to expect, I could not return to my family but instead became property of Er’s family, his dad and brothers. So I was not surprised when one night when Onan came to my room and he just used me, used me without even the hope of having children…. As wicked as his brother, and he died too. This fatal wickedness seemed contagious. 

The next brother was too young and he was also his dad’s favorite… and Judah, how he hated me. I was a bad luck charm in his eyes…. His two wicked sons, two dead sons and I was to blame… easier to blame the woman than to look in the mirror.

Judah sent me home, but this time things were different. I was a disappointment to my parents. My dad let me know, over and over and over. I think my mom knew better but she could never find the words to express it to me. 

I was alone, I was disregarded as useless, I had no future.

Sometimes you do what you have to do….  I made a plan, all I needed was a child to secure my future and there is only one way to get a child… I knew Judah’s movements, he kept a regular schedule and I knew his weakness, his wickedness was very much like his sons… apples don’t fall far from the tree. 

So I went down to the road in clothing that I had to secure and I covered my face and I waited. I knew how to get a man’s attention, I knew how to catch Judah’s eye… again an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 

And Judah, what a fool. Even in the moment he did not know who I was…. I was just a piece of flesh to him, a body with no face or voice. He did not have any money to pay me, he did not think that far ahead so he made me a promise and he gave me his signet and cord and staff, handed them right over. 

I knew. I don’t know how but somehow I knew right away that I was pregnant. I put on my old clothes, the clothes of a widow and I knew what was to come. And I waited, I worried. I knew the rumors and the names I was about to get called….. a grieving widow of not one but two husbands and now pregnant by another. There are plenty of words for the town to throw at me.

And they did. With such vigor. 

With such joy.

Old Judah right there in the middle… screaming obscene names, just like his boys did. He wanted me killed.

But I had the final word…. I was quiet and simply said: “The man who did this to me, I don’t know his name but here is his signet and cord and staff.” 

Judah was finally speechless.  He just stood there, it was like he finally saw the truth… this story he had built and all the wrong he had caused. I can’t promise it but I think I saw a tear in the corner of his eye and then the words I never expected: “She is more right than I am.” 

I felt a victory, for me and for everyone other woman who has been forced to do what must be done to find our place, to secure our future, to earn our place in the story….. and Judah you are right, I am more righteous than you….. Me Too Judah, Me Too.